Reflections For Deciding On A Threesome (From Personal Experience)

In light of some of the things I said on my ‘Spiralling Sadness’ post, I was thinking about the threesome. Beforehand, when you go through research, and questions of ‘do we, don’t we?’, I always found that the most common thing repeated over and over was that you needed a huge level of trust to be successful and for your relationship to come away unscathed. I even said it myself in retrospect after it happened.

However, I feel like in all that advice and all those tips, I didn’t find anyone emphasising about more than just trust with your partner. I personally found it even more important that you need to be able to “trust” yourself. Trusting your partner is key, of course, but we shouldn’t simplify our own feelings too much. By that, let me explain.

When I am in a happy/normal/not sad mood, I look back on the threesome with a good feeling. It wasn’t amazing, or life-changing, but it was a fun afternoon. In this mood, I’d agree to do it again and I fully trust my partner. In this mood, I’d go as far as to say I’m kind of indifferent to it, and don’t treat it like that big of a deal haha!

But, when I am in one of my sad moods, where I try to bring myself down, tell myself how ugly/horrible/undesirable I am, the threesome inevitably creeps into my mind. Those images, where 95% of the time I feel almost indifference, suddenly become a taunt. I trust my partner 100%, but in that mood I tell myself there was something more, that it was all a ploy etc. IT WAS NOT – I know that we all agreed, it was all mutual, it was all purely physical and it was all for a bit of fun. But that is why it is called an irrational mood. :/

For this reason, even though the vast majority of the time I’m totally chilled out about it and would be willing to do it again, I can’t. At least not whilst in a relationship. It just gives me too material to taunt myself with and I don’t really want to add to that pile. The good thing is, my partner isn’t really bothered about doing it again either, so there’s no conflict there. When he said “we’ll have to let her[the third person] know”, I said “say it’s mutual from both of us, don’t just make me out to be miserable”, to which he replied “oh it is mutual, don’t worry!”, so I feel good we’re on the same page.

Anyway, my point was that yes, trust between partners is VITAL if you’re thinking about a threesome, but so is trust in YOURSELF. Be honest with yourself: do you think you can handle it before, during and (most importantly) after? Are you an overthinker, or a worrier, who may revisit the occasion a little too much? Can you accept that to receive pleasure yourself, so must your partner (not going to lie, I do have a teensy bit of the hyprocrite gene myself)?

If any of these are a maybe (which I suspect they probably are if you’re being 100% honest), something we tried before the day was to take it in turns wearing a blindfold and, whilst your partner is touching you, imagining it is your partner and the third person. It gets you used to the idea of suddenly introducing a new person to your bed, a blindfold makes it less intimidating and you can at least think of vague scenarios beforehand so it’s less awkward and fumbly on the day. (You might say “why would I take tips off someone who says they wouldn’t do it again?”, but remember, I would do it again, but I would rather take a cautionary measure so I don’t give myself unnecessary extra taunting images).

Also, I know it sounds negative, but a slight warning: be prepared to watch your partner kiss someone else. I know that sounds stupid among the “other” activities that will most likely take place, but I actually found it harder to watch them kiss than, for example, her giving him a blowjob. Kissing is just more personal and emotional. That is where I like to think the emotional connection is truly held. Especially in that moment where you are giving each other pleasure, and it feels amazing, and the type of kiss throughout all this amazingness is spectacular. The kind of kiss where you need each other on all levels. Obviously, your partner and the third person won’t feel that bond, but from the outside it still looks pretty intense haha. I do not regret it and I completely trust my partner. I’m just giving a fair warning to be prepared! 🙂

If you feel entirely self-confident, trusting and free, then you kids go have fun! I just felt I wanted to contribute something to your decision-making process that I never really read anywhere else myself.

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